Step mothering...

I am a step mother to a 9 year old girl (who thinks shes 16).  Yeah yeah, you see the word "step mother" and your nose crinkles.  You think of Snow white, or cinderella.  Most of the time I feel like those step mothers by the looks I get, but I believe I am far from either of them.  I never knew how difficult it would be to be a step mother to a child.  WOW.  It is by far the most stressful, hurtful, painful experience of my life!!! 

When you think of mother what do you think of?  Cooking, cleaning, laughing, picking up after me, does EVERYTHING for me....right?  That's what I thought too.  Well, she lives with us..full time.  I do everything for her.  Help her with her homework, do her laundry, feed her, do her hair, help her pick out cute outfits, volunteer in her class, welcome sleep overs (6 screaming 9 year olds!!!!).  I don't think anything of these things because that is what a mother does.  Untill..... I get a reality smack across the face and she calls her mom, and says "I love you so much mommy" and turns around and calls me "Angie".   Ugh, every time she does that it takes a little piece of my heart. 

I think what makes it so much more difficult for me is the fact that I am going through infertility issues and have been completely unsuccessfull at having my own biological child.  It breaks my heart to think that I will never have that special thing with my child, that no matter what I did wrong I will always be "mommy".  Right now when she gets mad at me it's "okay ANGIE!" like she intentionally knows she is smacking me across the face with her words. 

Unless you have been here, you will NEVER I repeat NEVER understand.  So don't try to, don't act like you know how it feels.  Don't tell me she will grow out of it, don't act like my feelings aren't at stake here.  Does your child call you "Mommy" or "Daddy" or do they call you by your first name even after EVERYTHING you have done for them?? Yep that's what I thought, so don't look at me like I am crazy or over exaggerating.  I want to see your heart get broken every friggin day of your life and THEN tell me I am overreacting!  What really gets me is how picture perfect she is for her PARENTS and how NOT she is for me.  She is two completely different children.  It is like with her parents we have miss perfect princess and with me I get the wicked witch of the west....I don't know.  I guess when I have a child of my own and they don't have the option to call me by my first name no matter how mad they are, everything will be better. 
INFERTILITY SUCKS ASS!!!!!!!  BE GRATEFUL!!!!






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